Big Tech 13

I’ve received a lot of criticism lately for the laws I passed last year, which allowed me to essentially buy any property I wanted at a minimal cost. It even resulted in me losing the Victorian election for premier, last year. Well, now I, ex-Premier Norris, will come clean and tell the public exactly what the truth is, so that I may clear my name and have the real story revealed. Too long have I sat in the shadows, letting the common man think poorly of me. Yes, I took taxpayer money to fund my elaborate live-action role-playing games, Goblins and Grottos. Yes, I convinced all the conveyancing businesses in the Bentleigh area to support my new laws. And yes, I tried to remove my opponent in the election by passing a law that prevented candidates from becoming Premier if they graduated from a certain university. But that does not mean that I am the corrupt politician that the media has painted me to be.

So, what actually happened? Well, in October I got in contact with a highly esteemed conveyancer based near Brighton, who I hired to help me come up with a plan for the greatest resort of all time. It’s called Norris-Utopia and would be a paradise for anybody who I allowed to stay there. Unfortunately, a lot of land would be required for this massive project. So, I created a law that would allow me to buy all the property I needed to make Norris-Utopia a reality. This would be a wonderful place to come and relax, available for anybody I see fit. Isn’t that something you’d want in Melbourne? 

So, as you can see, this whole thing has been blown massively out of proportion. I didn’t do anything wrong. All the people I kicked out of their homes for essentially no money was for a great purpose. I hope that you can all forgive me, and condemn the horrible media for making me seem like the villain in all this.

– Ex-Premier Norris

I was walking down the streets of Melbourne, looking for a conveyancer, when I heard this strange noise coming from the gutter. Naturally, I was so desperate to find someone who could help with the legal settlement of the house I wanted to buy, that I leaned down to find out what was going on down there.

“Hey kid,” a voice said to me, even though I am twenty-seven years old. “Do you need some conveyancing?”

Of course, I was absolutely ecstatic to hear this. I’d searched everywhere for just that very service. Even my regular conveyancer from Brighton had disappeared. However, when I moved closer to the gutter, I felt rough hands grab me and pull me through. Instead of landing in a sewer, I landed at the bottom of some sort of massive cavern. All around me, people moved around the cavern, complete with small buildings, big enough to perhaps house a couple of people each. It was a whole secret city. So, was this where all of the conveyancing firms around Cheltenham had gone?

“Welcome to Conveyancing City,” said a man beside me, presumably the one who had pulled me through the gutter. “This is where we all fled to, after the Great Conveyancer Purge. We have been keeping an eye on you, George. We think you might be worthy of conveyancing.”

“The Great Conveyancer Purge? I’ve never heard of it.” There was a lot about what he had said that confused me, but that was the most confusing part.

“There are few who have. Before the election of Dr Dark McBane, the previous premier threatened to exterminate all conveyancers if we didn’t help him buy every house in Victoria. As a result, we hid underground, and have stopped offering conveyancing until someone worthy proves that we are needed.” The man flicked his dark blue coat back and began walking ahead. “Come, you will need to speak with the Grand Master, and he will determine if you are the man we seek.”

Not really sure what else to do, and desperately needing a conveyancer, I followed.

– George

Jackie and I arrived at the conveyancer’s office at precisely 14:03 on Tuesday afternoon, the fifth of January. The weather was fair, although it seemed that would soon change, with dark storm clouds approaching. A typical day in Melbourne, for summertime. We’d been sent on a mission to find a rogue time traveller, who was reportedly attempting to buy a house in the early years of the twenty twenties. This was the fourth conveyancer we’d visited yet in this time period, and hopefully, it would lead to some answers about the time traveller’s whereabouts.

I pushed open the door to the firm of conveyancing around Mentone, and Jackie followed me inside. He had that usual swagger in his step that seemed to suggest he felt good about this one, even though it had been present at all the other conveyancing firms we’d visited. Ever the optimist, old Jackie.

As the receptionist welcomed us to the building, I pulled down my dark shades and stored them in the front pocket of my suit jacket. Lifting up my briefcase, I placed it on the receptionist’s desk without so much as looking her in the eye. In the corner of my vision, I could just make out the furrow in her brow, and I had to hold back a smirk at her surprise. There was a lot I liked about this job, but catching people off guard had to be right at the top of the list.

“Conveyancing receptionist,” I said casually, pulling a photo of a young man from my suitcase, “have you seen this fellow recently? Early twenties, likely too young to own a house, but not young enough that your superiors would refuse to see him.”

The receptionist gave a sigh that almost seemed as if she was exhaling a puff of smoke. “He was here earlier today. Said he was thinking about buying a house in Malvern. It didn’t work out with us, unfortunately.”

I looked at Jackie, giving a brief nod. “That’s all we needed to hear.”

– Amanda