I’ve received a lot of criticism lately for the laws I passed last year, which allowed me to essentially buy any property I wanted at a minimal cost. It even resulted in me losing the Victorian election for premier, last year. Well, now I, ex-Premier Norris, will come clean and tell the public exactly what the truth is, so that I may clear my name and have the real story revealed. Too long have I sat in the shadows, letting the common man think poorly of me. Yes, I took taxpayer money to fund my elaborate live-action role-playing games, Goblins and Grottos. Yes, I convinced all the conveyancing businesses in the Bentleigh area to support my new laws. And yes, I tried to remove my opponent in the election by passing a law that prevented candidates from becoming Premier if they graduated from a certain university. But that does not mean that I am the corrupt politician that the media has painted me to be.
So, what actually happened? Well, in October I got in contact with a highly esteemed conveyancer based near Brighton, who I hired to help me come up with a plan for the greatest resort of all time. It’s called Norris-Utopia and would be a paradise for anybody who I allowed to stay there. Unfortunately, a lot of land would be required for this massive project. So, I created a law that would allow me to buy all the property I needed to make Norris-Utopia a reality. This would be a wonderful place to come and relax, available for anybody I see fit. Isn’t that something you’d want in Melbourne?
So, as you can see, this whole thing has been blown massively out of proportion. I didn’t do anything wrong. All the people I kicked out of their homes for essentially no money was for a great purpose. I hope that you can all forgive me, and condemn the horrible media for making me seem like the villain in all this.
– Ex-Premier Norris