Stuck in sandals

Posted on July 16, 2021 by admin

This is going to sound so embarrassing but I have to tell the story to someone! Ordinarily, I could tell a friend or my family but my boyfriend will kill me. So instead, I will tell random folks on the internet. Basically, my boyfriend seems to be having a lot of silly ailments at the moment. Ridiculous injuries, tiredness, back aches, stomach aches, the works! His most recent ailment is ingrown toenails. Cheltenham has a specialist that is waiting to see him but at the moment there aren’t any available bookings and his ingrown toenail isn’t severe enough to warrant an emergency appointment. The sad part about it all is that he is in an awful amount of pain. The hilarious thing is that he can’t wear shoes as his foot is swollen and sore so now he has to walk around everywhere in open toe sandals. We had to go to a really fancy restaurant the other evening for my father’s birthday and I remember the host giving him a very thorough look from head to toe and questioning my boyfriend’s choice of shoes. The host looked so disgusted, it was hilarious. It was even more hilarious looking at my boyfriend dressed in a formal suit with sandals on.

I’m hoping there are podiatry appointments available near me so we can book him an appointment with a specialist sooner rather than later. Then he can stop embarrassing me by wearing sandals everywhere we go. He met my grandparents the other week for the first time and they thought he was some bum who refused to wear proper shoes in the middle of winter. That’s when I explained to them that he was only wearing those shoes because of his foot injury. They were a bit more understanding, slightly. But hey, Croatian grandparents can be stubborn!

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No Longer Homeless

Posted on June 30, 2021 by admin

Just as the title of my blog post says, I’m no longer homeless! I mean, I don’t technically have a house in the literal sense, as in, secure shelter with electricity, plumbing and heat, but I do have a waterproof tarp!

How does owning a waterproof tarp count as no longer being homeless, I hear you ask? Well, I also came into some luck and was able to install sturdy aluminium ute canopies on the back of an old ute that I found in a junkyard. The ute looks like it’s about sixty years old and is covered in rust, but the ute canopy is shiny and new! Seriously, the canopy is so clean that it doubles as a mirror. I’m so resourceful. 

I’m so happy with my waterproof tarp and new ute canopy. It’s the best accommodation I’ve had in a long time. I also have a sleeping bag which just makes the ute canopy so warm and toasty at night. I know it’s no castle or whatever, but the ute canopy and tarp are my home now, and I’m going to treat my home like gold.  

Once I’ve saved up enough money doing my job selling an Australian not-for-profit magazine, I think I’m going to invest in ute trays. In the Melbourne CBD, there are a lot of companies that install ute trays, but I’m going to go to the one that offers the most amount of space for the best price.

I’m obviously not made of money at the moment, and so it’s important that I make economically viable decisions in small increments. It’s my dream to get back to the lifestyle I had when I was a child. Before I became a person experiencing homelessness, I lived in a big house with my parents. I made some decisions that my parents didn’t agree with and they kicked me out, but I’d rather live in my perfect tarp canopy combination than under their roof where they don’t accept me. 

Here’s to another good sleep tonight!

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Husband’s surprise ute

Posted on June 28, 2021 by admin

My husband works so hard every day to support this family. I really admire him for it. He drives all around our city in a dodgy little ute helping others with their plumbing. It’s not the most glamorous job, and he’s not exactly raking in the millions, but seeing him be so committed to giving us a good life is absolutely heartwarming. I’ve been looking for a long time to find a way to pay him back but have been at a loss how to do so I’m buying him a ute with a half canopy. It’s not that he’s expecting me to pay him back either. He does all this out of the goodness of his heart and the love he has for me and our two boys. Well, finally I think I found a way I can show my appreciation. Yesterday I received a letter saying I had been given some inheritance from a deceased aunt. I remember this aunty really well. She didn’t really have any close family and no one would speak to her much. She was that tad strange. I’d always make time for her as I thought that she might be lonely. She recently passed away and unbeknownst to me, she left me a decent inheritance. I was not expecting it and I think it would be a good deed if I used some of that money to make another person happy. I can’t think of anyone more deserving than my husband. 

I’ve secretly gone and had a word with a couple of his workmates to get their opinions on what makes a good ute and store recommendations to buy ute canopies. Melbourne is a place that can have wild weather from time to time so I think it is important that I find something that is durable. I did find one ute, however, that I think he will love. It’s really sleek looking and almost screams luxury as opposed to tradie. Every day he comes home from work I’m filled with a cheesy grin as I try to not blurt out my plans.

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Landscape gardener life

Posted on June 19, 2021 by admin

I became a landscape gardener about nine years ago after retiring. I guess I am quite old to still be in the workforce but the truth is that I don’t know what else I’ll be doing. One thing I find about aging is that those who let themselves get older and do nothing, seem to age the quickest. I believe you need to keep active to stay young and healthy. Granted, I don’t do as much heavy lifting as a younger landscape gardener would and I only take on jobs that are quite small, but it still gets me out of the house doing something. It’s also extra money that I can use to treat myself without having to rely on my pension. I’ve also developed a small network of clients who regularly hire me to take care of basic gardening tasks such as watering, trimming, pruning, and mowing. My favourite clients are the ones who hired me to plant their garden, and then hire me weekly to tend to their garden. It feels like I’m helping them raise a child. 

I always buy the best hybrid tea roses on the internet. I find this a lot less time consuming than visiting a nursery or a florist. I place my order, I can see exactly what the site has in stock, and I’ll receive it days later without having to do a whole heap of run around. Plus, if a client asks me to plant a specific flower there’s no empty promise. I can usually check online and instantly know whether that seed is in stock or not.

Rose plants tend to be my most requested seeds and most clients seem to struggle with knowing how to care for thornless roses. This actually works in my favour as it keeps me in a job, it keeps me outside, and it keeps me doing the thing I love doing most. The only time things are a bit of a struggle is when it’s winter and raining. It can be hard to appropriately time my appointments.

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Bathroom Renovation Story

Posted on June 17, 2021 by admin

When my boss told me that I had to write a blog post about bathroom renovation and chickens, I responded by telling him he was crazy. It simply couldn’t be done. You see, my job is to write really random things on the internet that nobody will ever read, and lately, we’ve been drawing things out of a hat to prompt our short pieces. I drew the chicken. My boss told me that if I didn’t get this piece of writing done by the end of the day, I would be fired. How the heck am I supposed to write something about bathroom design, near Melbourne, mind you, and chickens? He’s given me an impossible job. I’m not going to go write a story about chickens needing bathroom renovation or something… Wait, that’s actually a good idea. I could actually do that.

Even still, I wish I had gotten something more interesting out of the hat, like kites. I feel like I could write about bathroom design and kites all day long. I’d write some silly story about the bathroom designer whose son wants to go fly a kite, but he has to go to work. So his son goes and flies his squid kite all on his own, and it takes him on some grand adventure. While the dad is completing bathroom renovations in the Melbourne CBD, he’s wondering what sort of fun things he’s missing out on. By the end of the day, he realises that there are more important things in life than work and money, so he quits his job to go play with his son. Two weeks later, they don’t have any money to pay the mortgage and become homeless.

Wow, that took quite a dark turn. But that’s what most of my stories are like. I love to throw in a twist ending, or something completely random. I have to keep my non-readers entertained, never knowing where a story is going to end up.

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Beautiful Decorative Windows

Posted on June 7, 2021 by admin

I’ve worked at this company for two years now, and I’ve never had a bad experience with my co-workers. That was until recently, at least. I’ve been hearing whispers in the corridors about me. Apparently, my co-workers are starting to find me annoying and think I’m weird for being ‘obsessed’ with the cold and the frosted windows. I’m actually a bit in shock about it. I just appreciate the beauty of winter and how great the windows look when it’s cold outside.

I’m upset that my co-workers are bad mouthing me about this. I thought that most people would appreciate office decorative window glass. Melbourne seems like it has many people that are pretty apathetic towards these things, and if anyone shows any interest in something that isn’t coffee or football then they’re weird. I wonder if I should just stop talking about it, but I thought people were allowed to talk about what they love and appreciate. People just don’t like it because it’s not considered ‘normal’… whatever that means.

I’m really disheartened. I don’t think I’ll continue to work here if I keep hearing people talking about me. I never really cared what other people thought of me, but I do care about people bad-mouthing winter and office glass tinting. People just need to open their minds and appreciate the little things, but I guess it’s not the cool thing to do. 

I’m going to go now. I’m going to go sit next to my favourite window for my lunch break and appreciate how beautiful it is. I’m also going to daydream about getting home and wrapping myself up in a blanket and forgetting all of my problems. That’s the beauty of winter. You can leave everything that’s cold and disappointing outside and protect yourself from the weather and your problems. I won’t let my coworkers get to me. It’s not my fault if they don’t like what I like.

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New Glazier Employee

Posted on May 27, 2021 by admin

A man by the name of Bald Rick entered into my employ today. Although he had performed well in the interview (I was most impressed by his ability to come up with clever and intelligent plans), I must admit that I only hired him because I felt that we had a strange connection, established throughout the ages. I couldn’t shake this feeling, so I turned to the journals of my ancestors. There, I discovered that each of the previous Black-Vipers had themselves a companion by the name of Bald Rick. They are all described as complete buffoons who think they can come up with a “cunning plan” from time to time. Now, my Bald Rick doesn’t seem that unintelligent, but I will need to do some further testing to be sure. I just hope that Bald Rick knows a good glazier near Melbourne seeing as we’re having some trouble in the office.

I have been trying to get Bald Rick to say that he has a cunning plan all day, but I haven’t had any luck. “I really don’t know what to do about this difficult glass balustrade,” I say, but he doesn’t respond at all. All I want is to see his toothy smile as he looks up at me and says, “Boss, I have a cunning plan.” I’ve even tried saying that I really need someone to come up with a cunning plan. Even after that, Bald Rick hasn’t offered me anything. He has come up with “brilliant” plans and “smart” plans, but no “cunning” plans. That is the trademark of all Bald Ricks.

Strangely, despite the name, Bald Rick actually isn’t bald. Perhaps his ancestors were bald, but the journals I possess say nothing about that. Unfortunately, I don’t have any other way to tell whether he is a genuine Bald Rick. 

Wait a minute! I think I may have just thought up a cunning plan. I’m going to find myself a George! 

– Edward Black-Viper V

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Buying All Houses

Posted on May 27, 2021 by admin

I’ve received a lot of criticism lately for the laws I passed last year, which allowed me to essentially buy any property I wanted at a minimal cost. It even resulted in me losing the Victorian election for premier, last year. Well, now I, ex-Premier Norris, will come clean and tell the public exactly what the truth is, so that I may clear my name and have the real story revealed. Too long have I sat in the shadows, letting the common man think poorly of me. Yes, I took taxpayer money to fund my elaborate live-action role-playing games, Goblins and Grottos. Yes, I convinced all the conveyancing businesses in the Bentleigh area to support my new laws. And yes, I tried to remove my opponent in the election by passing a law that prevented candidates from becoming Premier if they graduated from a certain university. But that does not mean that I am the corrupt politician that the media has painted me to be.

So, what actually happened? Well, in October I got in contact with a highly esteemed conveyancer based near Brighton, who I hired to help me come up with a plan for the greatest resort of all time. It’s called Norris-Utopia and would be a paradise for anybody who I allowed to stay there. Unfortunately, a lot of land would be required for this massive project. So, I created a law that would allow me to buy all the property I needed to make Norris-Utopia a reality. This would be a wonderful place to come and relax, available for anybody I see fit. Isn’t that something you’d want in Melbourne? 

So, as you can see, this whole thing has been blown massively out of proportion. I didn’t do anything wrong. All the people I kicked out of their homes for essentially no money was for a great purpose. I hope that you can all forgive me, and condemn the horrible media for making me seem like the villain in all this.

– Ex-Premier Norris

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Racing Tyre Replacement

Posted on May 26, 2021 by admin

What a twist ending to the latest race in the Tasmanian Racing Tournament! You had to be there to believe it! As always, I’m excited to be here, recapping the latest race to you. I’m Frank Walker, and with me is Thomas Canon. Thomas, would you care to share with our readers what happened?

I still can’t believe it myself, actually. As predicted, Bob Peters dominated this stretch of the championship, with his semi-truck crashing through packs. He was a force to be reckoned with. Bob is a very good driver. He showed guts by not even bothering with a car service near Hobart, risking it to get first place. Then, in the space of a few seconds, all eighteen of his tyres burst. Bob tried to get the truck over the finish line, but two other races were approaching fast. Turns out, all three of them crossed the finish line at the exact same time, meaning we have a three-way draw. It was a bit like that old movie about the talking cars, although the name escapes me for some reason.

It was exactly like that movie, which I also, strangely, can’t remember the name of. I’ve never seen such drama in all my life, and I’ve watched that show about the British royal family! Of course, Bob is going to need a serious tyre repair. Hobart has a few workshops that can help with that, I’m sure.

It certainly does. With only one leg remaining, many of the cars are on their last legs. Well, cars don’t have legs, but you know what I mean. I’ve probably said leg a bit too much in this paragraph, so I’m going to stop saying leg now. Oh, no! I said leg again. And again! Frank, help me out here!

Well, it’s about time for us to wrap this up anyway, Tom. Thanks for joining us, and we’ll see you all again for our preview of the final race. Who is going to walk away the winner?

Frank and Tom, signing off.

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The Missing Conveyancers

Posted on April 14, 2021 by admin

I was walking down the streets of Melbourne, looking for a conveyancer, when I heard this strange noise coming from the gutter. Naturally, I was so desperate to find someone who could help with the legal settlement of the house I wanted to buy, that I leaned down to find out what was going on down there.

“Hey kid,” a voice said to me, even though I am twenty-seven years old. “Do you need some conveyancing?”

Of course, I was absolutely ecstatic to hear this. I’d searched everywhere for just that very service. Even my regular conveyancer from Brighton had disappeared. However, when I moved closer to the gutter, I felt rough hands grab me and pull me through. Instead of landing in a sewer, I landed at the bottom of some sort of massive cavern. All around me, people moved around the cavern, complete with small buildings, big enough to perhaps house a couple of people each. It was a whole secret city. So, was this where all of the conveyancing firms around Cheltenham had gone?

“Welcome to Conveyancing City,” said a man beside me, presumably the one who had pulled me through the gutter. “This is where we all fled to, after the Great Conveyancer Purge. We have been keeping an eye on you, George. We think you might be worthy of conveyancing.”

“The Great Conveyancer Purge? I’ve never heard of it.” There was a lot about what he had said that confused me, but that was the most confusing part.

“There are few who have. Before the election of Dr Dark McBane, the previous premier threatened to exterminate all conveyancers if we didn’t help him buy every house in Victoria. As a result, we hid underground, and have stopped offering conveyancing until someone worthy proves that we are needed.” The man flicked his dark blue coat back and began walking ahead. “Come, you will need to speak with the Grand Master, and he will determine if you are the man we seek.”

Not really sure what else to do, and desperately needing a conveyancer, I followed.

– George

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